I once had a roommate that apparently needed an abacus to count beyond three. We were both single parents, my daughter about 11, hers about 8. My daughter and I had never experienced anything like her parenting before. At least 5 times a day she screamed at her daughter “I’m going to count to three”!!! Were we supposed to clap or be impressed that a 30 yr old woman could count to 3? She never said what would happen if she made it to 3, but strangely she could master fractions and not whole numbers beyond 2. “I’m going to count to 3; I’m going to count to 3! One……..Twoooo…………..Two and a half………….I’m going to count to 3!!!! Two and a half…………..and on and on it went, until everyone in the room wanted to shout 3, 3, 3, 3, 3, 3, 3!!!!!! Meanwhile her daughter retreated into her head (most likely shrieking 3 to her self). Her other favorite sayings included: You won’t get any dinner for a week, You won’t watch TV for a year, I won’t talk to you for the rest of your life, etc.
OK, what’s wrong with this scenario? First of all, there are either no defined consequences for the child’s actions or unrealistic ones. Secondly, consequences are never delivered. Constant yelling and unrealistic threats do not teach a child cause and effect. They create a child that learns to retreat into a fantasy world in order to shut out the noise. They create a child that feels unloved. Would their parent actually not feed them for a week? They create a child that can’t trust. If you can’t trust your parent to take care of you, if the parent could threaten such neglect, how can you trust anyone in life?
Unrealistic threats create no motivation for changing behavior. The child knows the parent is being absurd. This creates a cycle of screaming threats, continuing the behavior and more screaming. The child may also lose respect for the parent, feeling them ridiculous. A child craves structure and legitimate discipline. It’s how they learn self control.
A parent is the first authority figure to a child. Fairness and respect in this first relationship set the stage for future authority relationships. If I child doesn’t respect a parent as an authority figure, why would they respect a teacher or a police officer?
So what is the right way? A very important lesson in life is that consequences have actions. If a child doesn’t learn this at an early age from parents, society will deal a shocking blow later in life. The child or adult that doesn’t take responsibility for their actions tends to blame others for their mistakes and misfortunes.
Being a parent is exhausting work if done correctly. There are no days off for a parent, no sick days, no holidays and no snow days. But, on the other hand, nothing is more rewarding. Consistency is key. Set realistic rules and consequences (when you aren’t angry) and then follow through with them. Don’t be afraid to reassess rules if they aren’t working and as the child ages.
And if all else fails…….1, 2, 3!!! (Just kidding)